karma's an empty gaping hole where love goes to die

So I can honestly say I've never had a horrible break-up story.

Actually, I've had two....but both of them involved me being the horrible one and destroying someone else's life instead. So there wasn't really much grief involved at all...I literally rejoiced about the first, and cried for maybe ten minutes about the second, before proceeding to be officially the cruelest ex in the universe.

right now it's kinda different.

k, so maybe "kinda" is an understatement. the word "understatement" is an understatement of how huge that understatement was. more like vastly different. universes and dimensions apart. "vast" is just not vast enough of a word to describe how vastly different it is this time around. and how much it hurts, too. i didn't even realize this kind of pain could exist outside the realms of the funeral of somebody you love.

i suppose that's what it is, though. a death. the untimely demise of something that was beautiful and alive, at least to you. to everyone else he's still alive and breathing. but for you, you will never get the chance to have him in your life again. or tell him that you love him, no matter how much you want to. as if he were dead.

i fell asleep at 6am crying, and i woke up at 12pm to cry some more. it was the biggest effort i've ever had to make just getting out of bed - bigger even than all the effort i put into the relationship when it was alive. i've lost my purpose in getting up every morning. why keep breathing when every litre of blood that pumps through my veins prolongs this sense of deep, shattering loss? i hate it here. that was an understatement. i was lonely and miserable every second i wasn't talking to him or seeing him, and now i'm just lonely and miserable every second of the day. i can't work, i can't eat, i can't sleep without having horrible nightmares. is this how it feels like to be on the losing end? god, i just want to apologize to the people i've hurt, then. but at least they had friends with them and people to talk to - i have no one. i'm stuck here on the other side of the world and the only thing keeping me going was the promise of being able to be with him in two-and-a-half months' time. Now all I have is a useless plane ticket and the greatest longing to just fall asleep and never have to bear with the excruciating pain of waking up and realizing that I've lost him again.

and the worst part of it is, i know it was all my fault. i singlehandedly made the person i have loved most in my entire life stop loving me. how much of a fun thought is that.



it just hurts so much.............i can't even begin to explain.


officially my most pathetic state of being in my life