college is lonely.
my guess is that there are a lot of people around me - people in my classes, people on my floor - who would love to disagree (especially since i'm at Columbia, where people specialize in disagreeing), but there it is. i'm not sure what it is. is it me? :( i probably haven't been getting involved enough, putting myself out there. i haven't been auditioning for every single orchestra or applying for every single organizing committee or showing up for events. i put a barrier up around myself when meeting people because i'm subconsciously worrying if my boyfriend on the other side of the world might disapprove. i don't go clubbing; i stay home to talk to my boyfriend.
somehow, this has turned into talk about my boyfriend. (again.)
i remember when we first started college in Sydney, and i would tell Eunsu how glad i was i didn't bring a boyfriend over because it was bound to be such a tight leash around my neck. for that very reason, when i found out i was going to Columbia, i made up my mind to not fall for anybody in my remaining three months there. but yeah, that was really just a resolution for dramatic effect. after all, i met my current boyfriend three days after getting that decision letter (and presumably three days after making that failure of a resolution). and had fallen for him another three days after. (yes, i fall for people hard and fast. it's what makes me extremely vulnerable to douches like Barney Stinson, only they're usually less awesome :c)
it does make me wistful sometimes to watch everyone else reveling in their newfound freedom. i would be lying if i said it was easy only being able to go to gay clubs so there'd be less of a chance of upsetting my boyfriend, or not being in the same room with another boy, even if it were just for a study session. suddenly facebook friending and overfriendly wall posts become a source of countless arguments and name-calling and emphatic denials. when telephone carriers or technology fail you're suddenly cut off, sometimes at the most inopportune times. and you have to wonder: is it worth it? why am i giving up this entire city of possibilities for someone i haven't even known for that long, someone who can't be there for me in person the next four years?
here's my answer.
it's worth it, to hear your voice first thing in the morning when you call because that's the only way a 14-hour difference can work for a pair of stranded lovebirds
it's worth it, to come back from class and hear the feedback from your microphone letting me know your webcam is still on as you sleep
it's worth it, seeing your face when you receive my surprises in the mail, and seeing the roses you sent me on the shelf (now dried) on the first day i moved in
it's worth it, remembering the happiest months of my life and how i spent every waking minute of them with you: making you tea, folding your laundry, cooking you noodles, night after night at chat thai, green tea creme brulee and shanghai berry at musashi, epic fail at the game centre (which you have now rectified), first times, last times, freezing winds, keeping you in my room when you were sick, multiple fire alarms, being scalded by boiling water, loving how it feels when we go to sleep - and being able to claim those memories as mine
it's worth it, every time i don't know what i'm doing with my paper and you can come to the rescue and start telling me about utilitarianism and how i should justify my argument using deontological theory and my heart just fills up with indescribable oh-my-god-is-this-boy-even-real?!
it's worth it, being able to look at you and feel so proud of the fact that i'm able to call you mine
it's worth it, every time you tell me it doesn't matter how many days we're apart now because we'll have the rest of our lives to make up for it
it's worth it, counting down the days and knowing that come midnight on Christmas Day (assuming immigration and customs and flight conditions are friendly to me), we'll be together (((:
one day i will tell the world the story of how i ended up with zay and i swear to god (or whoever it is up there that takes pleasure in sending us in circles and occasionally paths that can't even be classified as proper shapes) it will be so much better than how i met your mother. or gossip girl. actually, it will be like himym + gossip girl x awesome. and everybody will ask for moar. ♥
what i woke up to one day on my computer screen
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